I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Important reminders
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
multitasking lunch
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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