[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
We need a streaming service that鈥檚 only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Her: I鈥檓 into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain鈥檛 no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 馃槍馃槍
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I鈥檓 being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch