I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?