You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.