If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
WHY would you be happy about this?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.