Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The dark side of Canada
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Never forget.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: