JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
This pepper has seen some shit
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now