Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
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David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum