Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool