[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore