Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
#JohnTravolta
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh