FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes