I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
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When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
What about second breakfast?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I know karate and tons of other words.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI