You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.