2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Baking is just science you can eat.