My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
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Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?