While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow