My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”