“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
oh u like geography? name every lake
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”