My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges