“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
ugh not again
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: