I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The big book of baby names but for safe words
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Teach your children to beatbox