nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Swedish for common sense.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?