I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
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Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
That de-escalated quickly
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.