Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Teach your children to beatbox
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done