GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”