Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
scared to check what name she chose
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”