I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
So creative 😂