me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
(more comics:
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
just gave your address to some spiders
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?