My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
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The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
This kid will have a bright future.