If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.