Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
this post was so formative to me