I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
lol
Tuesday
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”