[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I beg your pardon?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.