Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.