I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
What personal space?
My dog
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?