If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.