A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.