Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
guys I’m going home
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
79.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone