Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
wow
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME