Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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Go girl power!
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog