My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
me as a parent
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks