[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands