It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.