my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE