I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper