I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
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If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.