[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid