I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Home #decor warning.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do