Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
You Might Also Like
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.